Folk Horror Movie Cults, Ranked.

You know, most folk horror movies wouldn’t be folk horror without a nice, solid cult somewhere in the mix. It helps to have a bunch of naked old people levitating in the woods somewhere to really drive the creepiness home, you know? Besides, most of the Big Bads of these movies just wouldn’t be the same without a bunch of minions, lackeys, or at least a couple of fawning lickspittles.

With this in mind (and having marathoned a bunch of horror movies while swallowing large pills and waiting for my organs to stop hating me) my Handsome Assistant and I came up with a ranking system. We now have the answer to a question absolutely nobody asked: Which folk horror cult would suck the least to be part of?

Please note that this is going to be full of spoilers, so proceed with caution.

Langiva’s Village (Black Death)

As far as cults go, the Necromancy Cult in Black Death is probably the easiest. They’re sort of broadly Pagan, and they live in a pretty isolated location in the woods that’s given them natural protection from the plague. Langiva demands people sacrifice outsiders that come to the village, but “human sacrifice” is kind of the baseline for a horror movie cult. She also comes across as a narcissist, but that’s pretty much a given for any cult leader.

As long as you’re willing to put up with her, you’ll probably be fine. There’s also drugs and feasts with makeout sessions, and the villagers are likely way less racist than the Hårga. It kind of sucks that Langiva’s totally lying about the necromancy thing, but that’s not really a huge dealbreaker in the grand scheme of things (especially compared to some of our other options here).

A-

The Hårga (Midsommar)

Ah, the Hårga. For the purposes of this ranking, we had to assume that we’d met the cults requirements for acceptance to begin with. (Namely, being a) very white, b) astrologically favorable, c) under the age of 72, and d) not inclined to indiscriminately urinate on trees.) Once you’re in the Hårga, however, things probably wouldn’t be terrible for you. There’s food, a beautiful setting, a large, seemingly loving family, and movie night. They also only do the whole “burning people alive” thing every 90 years, so it’s very likely that you’ll go your whole life without ever experiencing it. It seems entirely possible for a cult member to live a pretty decent life with the Hårga.

As long as you’re not their deliberately inbred prophet child, you’ll probably have an okay time. At least, until your 72nd birthday. Things tend to fall off rather sharply then.

B

Sator’s Cult (Sator)

Sator’s cult gets several points for costuming and does seem to primarily consist of a large family, but otherwise kind of falls apart. Sator’s main objective seems to be some kind of “purification” for his followers, and he doesn’t really make any promises beyond that.

I think that Sator may only be debatably evil. This could very well be a case of an old-school, “FEAR NOT,” Biblically angelic-style entity with the unfortunate side effect of sanity slippage. As long as you stay the hell away from Adam’s cabin in the woods, you’ll probably be largely unscathed (or, at least, unburnt). On the other hand, you’re most likely not going to get anything out of this cult other than a really cool mask and the occasional levitation. Not worth the risk of dementia, in my opinion.

C

Moder’s Cult (The Ritual)

Uuuuugh.

Look, I love Moder. Her visual design? Impeccable. Her sound design? Perfect, no notes. Her behavior? Exactly as violent, animalistic, and inscrutable as I want from my horror monsters. But it doesn’t look like the people in the cult want to be there. Hell, not even Moder seems to be having a good time.

Sure, there’s the immortality thing. That seems pretty cool, until a picosecond later when you realize that “eternal life” is not synonymous with “eternal youth.” Moder also doesn’t appear to be too fond of being looked at, so you don’t even get to hang out and enjoy her completely awesome entire-human-corpse-head-on-a-skeletal-half-plant-elk monster design. It’s just an endless cycle of bowing, sacrificing hikers, and waiting to shrivel up into a mummy. Boring.

D-

The Coven (The VVitch)

Look, horror movie cults need to have some kind of payoff. Thomasin signs the Devil’s book in exchange for the offer of a taste of butter, a pretty dress, and the ability to fly (as long as the flying ointment holds out, anyway). While I get that this is more of an indictment of the utter bleakness, repression, and poverty of Thomasin’s life than anything else, I feel like you’re gonna need more out of a creepy cult than condiments, an outfit, and occasional floating parties. (Especially if it means having to lose your entire family and be stuck hanging out with the Devil and his retinue of naked octogenarians.)

C-

The Flagellants (Black Death)

Wading through a freezing cold stream with a bunch of Christian fanatics, beating yourself, and dying painfully of the black plague anyway? Absolutely not. They don’t even have makeout parties like Langiva’s village, flowers and Austin Powers movies like the Hårga, or a cool figurehead like Moder. It’s all the worst parts of being in a creepy cult, but with absolutely no pay off. Hard pass.

F-

Honorable Mention: King Paimon’s Cult (Hereditary)

Okay, it’s not folk horror, but still. King Paimon’s cult in Hereditary is an excellent portrayal and I felt like it deserved to be on this list.

However, it would still be total ass to be part of.

I get that we see them when their mission is only half-accomplished. They’re still hoping for that wealth, power, and bunch of good familiars, all while dutifully shopping for craft supplies and setting up rubegoldbergian decapitation schemes. As far as the movie goes, nobody’s gotten anything out of this bargain despite ostensibly the entire town being in on it for decades.

Still, if someone’s going to spend an eternity as “Paimon’s sexual furniture” (thanks, Novum), I feel like they’re going to need something more than as-yet-unrealized promises. It’s also not like demons are known for keeping their word, that’s the whole reason why they have so many pain-in-the-ass rules and etiquette. He could decide that you’re next up on the decapitation docket, and then what?

On the other hand, the cake looked pretty good.

D-