Just for fun · life

Let’s go to the PA Ren Faire! (And get the World’s Best Hat)

My Handsome Assistant, some friends, and I try to go to at least one Renaissance Faire every year — usually the MD or PA Ren Faire. If you’re not familiar with them (they seem to mostly be an American thing), Ren Faires are basically big mostly-outdoor markets, made to look like a Tudor era village. There’s food, entertainment, and people often like to wear loosely Renaissance or fantasy-inspired costumes to go. They’re a lot of fun, and I’ve found some very cool stuff (and people!) at them. This year, we went to the PA Renaissance Faire in Manheim, PA, at Mount Hope Estate.

I don’t really do a lot of shopping during the rest of the year — I might go to a thrift shop if I have a specific item of clothing or houseware that I’m looking for, but otherwise I’m all about make, make do, and mend — so I save up to get to go a little wild at Ren Faires and Pagan Pride Day. We usually have a list of things we’re looking for specifically. For my Handsome Assistant, this is usually belts, bags, or additions to his costume. For me, this year I was looking for handmade instruments and fountain pens.

(We also tend to buy a lot of tea anytime we take a vacation or day trip. I joke that it’s how I time things. When we run out of tea, it’s time to get out of the house.)

A mannequin wearing a unicorn head mask, a blue shawl, purple dress, a leather corset, and a necklace made of a coyote skull. It's standing outside of a shop with a sign reading "Welcome to the Curio Cabinet."

First, shopping at the PA Ren Faire. Like I mentioned above, we bought some tea because we always do. I did also get a very nice cherry wood fountain pen from Denyan Designs (which is currently loaded with Diamine Writer’s Blood).

My Handsome Assistant got a lovely cloak from Up Your Kilt/As You Like It (“Because if it’s not as you like it, it has no business being up your kilt!”). It’s a very nice, versatile olive color, thick and warm, and long enough to fold and wear in a lot of different ways. He also got some new bracers to replace his old, plasticky costume set.

“It probably fits you fine! Stop flirting with it and just get the hat.”

I like hats. I started liking hats when I first shaved my head and realized that my choices were a) start wearing a lot more hats and bandanas, or b) rub sunscreen into my head every day. Even now that it’s only half-shaved, I’m still very careful to keep the sun off of my head.
(Melanoma is not invited to my pizza party.)

A person in a straw sunhat, an ivory chemise, and a blue bodice and skirt. They're holding a fake nose and moustache on a stick in front of their face.

I went to the PA Ren Faire wearing a sun hat already, like I usually do — it goes with my costume, and helps keep my decidedly not period-correct hair from detracting too much from the “look.”

Then I saw the hat. A black bowler. Satin braid around the rim, with a fringe of tiny teal crystals all around. A wide teal ribbon as a band, festooned with peacock feathers. Teal tulle and a purple ribbon trailing from the back. All of my favorite colors. It was gorgeous, and also looked to be entirely too small.
Still, I kept going back to it. I didn’t want to try it on in the shop, because some shops are touchy about that. I took it down from the display, admired it, and put it back. I took it down again, took off my sun hat, and compared the two side by side. Finally, my Handsome Assistant just threw his hands up. Just get the hat.

So, I did. It fit like it was made for me. It didn’t quite go with my costume, but it was safely ensconced in a bag and I was already planning all of the outfits I’d wear it with. (Like this really cool jacket I got when we went to New Hope.)

We ducked into Oh, Jessa!, a bright, showy clothing shop. I wasn’t really looking for another costume piece, but I’m a sucker for bright colors and shiny things as much as any toddler or corvid.

(Sometimes, I take pictures of interesting color combinations so I can play around with them while painting.)

That was when I saw the vest. It had a ruffled collar that stood up from the shoulders, and a kind of ruffly peplum/bustle/skirt. It’s decidedly not the androgynous, low-key daily uniform I usually go for, but it was also teal, magenta, purple, and gold and I was drawn to it like a moth to a streetlight.

Then I checked the tag — XS. I’m a fine weight for my size, with a decent amount of muscle, but I don’t know of any reality in which I can make myself occupy an extra small. Still, it looked like it might fit, and it did lace up…

“If you’re about a size 4 or 5, it’ll probably fit,” one of the very nice shopkeepers told me. I had my doubts, and it was more than I wanted to spend on a piece I hadn’t planned for, but just trying it on wouldn’t hurt, right?

Go figure, it was incredibly comfortable. The colors were the perfect jewel tones that suit my complexion (aggressively beige, very neutral, greenish in undertone, with a tendency to tan). It provided the perfect amount of support, even loosely laced in a hurry over a very voluminous chemise.

I stepped out and asked my Handsome Assistant to hand me the hat. It was a perfect match — down to the peacock feathers on the brim and the decidedly peacock-like tail of the ruffled bottom of the vest. This is going to sound very “and then everyone clapped,” but three people exclaimed about how good it all looked together. I took the tag from the vest, handed it to the person at the register, and left wearing it and the world’s best hat.

When we got outside, my Handsome Assistant wanted to take some pictures. I was awkwardly posing (I hate pictures), when a tiny, adorable child ran up to me and looked up, eyes enormous.

“I like your costume!”

“Thank you!”

“Do you want a-” I couldn’t make out the last bit.

“Sure!” I was already sold. I probably would’ve followed this kid into battle.

A tiny translucent orange axolotl sitting on the palm of a hand.

They handed me something and quickly ran away, back to their parents. I looked down at my hand, and you guys.

It was a tiny orange axolotl. I think my heart melted and ran out of my body.

(For real, kids don’t mess around and have a very well-deserved reputation for having no filter. A sincere compliment from a tiny child is worth more to me than every compliment I’ve ever received from an adult.)

I did also get several other compliments on the hat that day, which was a pretty big boost to my confidence and overall mood. Assuming that sky burials aren’t legal by the time I bite the grass, I am going to be buried in this hat.

It’s not easy to avoid eggs, dairy, or meat at places/events like this, because food is usually done for flavor and convenience and the majority of Americans don’t really have an issue with any of those dietary components. Just in case, I stashed some Feel bars in my belt bag before we left.

(I also keep a 3″ knife, waterproof matches, a multitool, bug spray, a tick spoon, four kinds of lip balm, a can of Emergency Seltzer, a fountain pen, and two kinds of suncreen in my regular, every day backpack. I am nothing if not extremely prepared, always.)

The PA Ren Faire had more food options for me this year, which I liked — I knew there’d probably be a baked potato stall, giant pickles, and possibly a spot for steamed vegetables and rice, but there was also a place for walking tacos, vegetable crudités, and fruit salad.

If you’re not like me, there’re a lot more options. Giant smoked turkey legs, barbecue, sausage, pizza, you name it.

The only caveat is that pretty much all of the food is cash-only (or uses “Coin of the Realm,” tokens you can get near the entrance). Credit card fees can be pretty brutal for businesses that primarily do a large volume of small transactions — picture being charged $1 processing fee on one $100 transaction, versus $1 on each of 20 $5 transactions. To circumvent this, food vendors don’t take credit or debit cards. It can be slightly annoying if you aren’t expecting it but isn’t a big deal if you come prepared. Also, water is expensive, it can get hot, and it’s important to stay hydrated when you’re walking so much, so we brought our own glass water bottles to refill them at fountains/sinks as needed.

So, the PA Ren Faire has parades, jousting, and a variety of comedy shows, plays, demonstrations, and musicians.

We passed by a troll sitting under a bit of a ruined bridge, singing loudly. There were two boxes in front of him: one labeled “keep playing,” and the other labeled “hush money.” At that point, my Handsome Assistant’s curiosity was piqued and he made up his mind that we were going to watch the troll show.

A picture of an adorable troll with pointy ears and tusks, in a brown vest and a patchy leather hat with a yellow eye.
Photo credit: Staci Burke. Taken from Hob the Troll’s website.

As it turns out, Hob the Troll was delightful. It’s an all-ages show, so there’s nothing too racy, but all of the songs had a great balance of “stuff kids will get and laugh at” and “stuff only adults will get and laugh at.” My favorites were the song about Fr​ö​š​t​ï​ë the Snowman, the Dread Ship Montessori, and a “children’s drinking song” about that juvenile rite of passage: making Potions.

(Side note, when my younger sibling was four or so, he was complaining of a bad stomachache out of nowhere. A couple of hours later, he produced a two-liter soda bottle filled with a mixture of tap water, Pert Plus 2-in-1 shampoo, and the insides of a yellow highlighter and loudly warned, “Nobody drink this.”)

Also! We met a beautiful African pied crow named Goose. Like the pied crow at Pagan Pride Day, Goose accepted donations. What’s more, he’d take the donation from you, hop onto a cash box, and deposit it inside. And let me tell you, this boy was so freaking happy and excited to do his tiny job!

We walked up to the area where he accepted donations, and he was full on hopping all along his perch, onto the cash box, off of the cash box, doing little spins, bobbing his head, all just super stoked to get to do his thing, because doing his thing means treats and praise.

Goose, the African pied crow, being very excited to get to deposit donations.

Also there were unicorns.

A pair of small white (really light gray) ponies, with their manes and tails colored with rainbows and costume unicorn horns attached to their halters. They're being led down a path by their handlers.

The PA Ren Faire was a fun, albeit very tiring day. I wish we’d been able to get to more than one Faire this year, but it seems like everywhere sold out pretty quickly. Fortunately, I’m probably going to get plenty of wear out of The Hat long before next year’s Faire season rolls around!

The author and their Handsome Assistant. He's pretending to eat their face, and they're wearing an exaggerated expression of shock.
Just for fun

Party like a Corvid

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I’m not usually one to categorize myself with a single “core” or “vibe,” but I’ve been described plenty often as Goblin- or Crowcore. Honestly, I agree. My ideal aesthetic is “abandoned baroque theater slowly being reclaimed by an adjacent swamp,” and I apologize to no one.

The trouble is, I also like parties. When it comes to entertaining that matches my crowcore party vibe, I usually come up short. (Martha Stewart ain’t exactly jumping at the chance to chime in on this one.)
Besides, I’m not into filling my house with mass-market goods. I don’t like it when things are too matchy-matchy, and slow decor is my speed. Stuff that’s secondhand, handmade, or straight-up found in the yard? Yes.

During the big Mabon feast, I ended up having to bring my contributions in things like silicone bags and mixing bowls. (Which is a bit less “slow decor and thoughtful consumption” and a bit more “first apartment” than what I was going for.) So, since we’re getting closer to the autumn/winter holiday season, I figured I’d put together a list of Things I Find Cool for Fall Parties.
If you’re like me, maybe you find them cool also.
Enjoy!

If food is art, a really nice serving dish is like an excellent frame. Not only will good serving dishes make foods look better, they’ll make them easier to serve. One thing I lack is serving dishes, but I found some by CreatingComfortLab that I really like. They’re a Ukranian-American company that makes all of their ceramics by hand, and they have beautiful dinnerware (I like their serving dishes in green or black, around $48-58 each).

A set of green oval serving platters on a gray background. A sliced kiwi and small knife sit on one of the platters.

If you prefer to thrift your crowcore party dinnerware, shops like GraniteStateAntiques have some beautiful vintage pieces, like this Pyrex forest fancies casserole dish. It’s a versatile piece that I really like, and looks great when mixed with newer, handmade dishes.

A gorgeous butter dish in black and beige, topped with morel mushrooms and patterned with multiple other mushroom species.

Nice serve ware isn’t just limited to plates, bowls, and platters, though. I also found this awesome morel butter dish ($65) by SweetArtAttackEllen. This shop has a lot of really fun, interesting designs, like this snail, moss, and turkey tail mushroom butter dish, and this spoon rest.

During certain times of year, all you need to do to find a good goblincore party centerpiece is go outside — there’re tons of pieces of interesting wood with really beautiful lichen and moss, cool stones, and fresh flowers. That isn’t an option for everyone, though, but artisans like AuroraMOSSDesigns use natural materials to create beautiful, interesting centerpieces for coffee tables and dining tables alike. Check this one out:

A light wood coffee table with an interesting centerpiece made of wood, moss, dried mushrooms, and pinecones.

Isn’t that gorgeous? It’s only one of many one-of-a-kind designs available, ranging from about $37 to $190.

If you prefer to make your own, you can also find small ornaments to help bring your centerpiece to the next level. I’m particularly fond of these handmade mushroom ornaments by juliecollings — mushrooms often lose their colors and shape during the drying process, but these can give you the same look in a more robust, longer-lasting form.

I like mismatched dishes — it’s much more my speed to have things that go together, rather than match. I also really enjoy vintage water goblets, in a whole array of shapes and colors. I keep my eyes peeled for them every time I go to a secondhand shop, but it takes time to build up a collection capable of serving a group. Sellers like SecondSongHomestead and ValmontVintage have a selection of colorful, eclectic vintage glasses available.

I’m a sucker for brass candlesticks (mismatched, just like my glasses). They’re another thing I keep an eye out for whenever I’m looking through secondhand shops. When they’re old, they develop some unique and lovely patinas, but they also polish up beautifully.

candles on sticks
Photo by Gizem Çelebi on Pexels.com

As with vintage water glasses, it can sometimes be difficult to find specific pieces to round out the look that you’re going for. A nice group of brass candlesticks, filled with natural beeswax candles, is a really beautiful addition to a crowcore party table or buffet when you’re entertaining. If you’re hunting for a specific shape or style of candlestick, and can’t seem to find it, TheCherryAttic and pamscrafts7631 might be able to help you. They both have groups of assorted brass candlesticks, sold separately so you can pick exactly what you’re looking for ($9-30).

Some nice beeswax taper candles aside, there are plenty of other lovely handmade candles that can help set the mood for your gathering. I love this massive toad candle from HoneyHoleCandles (and these smaller ones by LuxArtCandles). I wouldn’t ever burn him — I just want to have him around. LOOK AT HIM.

A person in a beige sweater, holding a large black beeswax candle shaped like a toad.

If scented candles are more your thing, you might want to check out this Witch of the Wood soy wax candle (scented with balsam, cedar, vetiver, sage, and citrus) by MoonstoneandMyth, or this Petrichor candle by ValiantCandle.

I mean, not for humans. I trust you probably have things figured out on that front. (If not, maybe try this post’s recipe for banana bread — it’s really good.)

These are snacks specially formulated for corvids — crows, ravens, jays, and magpies. AnitaApothecaryShop has a bagged blend for feeding your familiars, while OrganicRawRootsFarm has a whole starter kit for feeding crows. Pair it with a dish of fresh, clean water (they like to dunk their food), and you’ll likely have bird friends showing up in no time.

The last thing a party needs is some ambience. If you’re into fantasy lofi, check out Medieval Lofi. If Pagan and witchy music is more your vibe, I’ve put together a playlist (that I listen to all the time):

For more autumnal favorites, check out Etsy’s list of Fall Entertaining and Decor picks. Happy partying! 

🖤
animals · life

What I’ve learned from coexisting with crows.

Crows (and corvids in general) can be pretty divisive. I don’t think I’ve met someone who can just take or leave them — it’s always either a fervent love, or a deep dislike.

And I get it, honestly. They’re noisy. They’ve been known to eat nestlings, eggs, and small mammals. To many, they’re a nuisance and they don’t understand why anyone would go out of their way to make their yard more attractive to these birds.

Ever since we moved here, I’ve been feeding a small family of crows whom I’ve come to love dearly. I’ve hesitated to feed other species, because I don’t want to encourage them to congregate (and potentially spread avian flu) when that isn’t their normal feeding pattern. While the debate about feeding birds and crow/raven behavior will likely never come to an end, here are a couple of things I’ve personally observed when making an effort to coexist with crows:

With most members of corvidae, you’re dealing with a very intelligent animal. With crows specifically, something on the level of a toddler or a very bright dog.

I wanted to mention this right off the bat because it heavily impacts a lot of my other points.

In general, crows aren’t really hunter hunters. They do eat meat, and they will eat young, weak, or sick animals, but they’re opportunistic feeders. If the opportunity isn’t there, or there’s an easier source of high-value food somewhere else, they’ll go elsewhere.

Crows are also a prey species for larger carnivores. When they’re eating, they’re vulnerable because their attention is directed toward that and not toward looking for threats. This is why groups typically have a sentry or two, to keep an eye on things while the others feed.

A blue jar, perched on a twig, looks over his shoulder.
A blue jay, one of the more colorful members of the corvid family. Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

They’re also still wild animals, no matter how closely they may coexist with humans. Wild animals will go for easier-to-get food sources whenever possible, because more challenging ones a) aren’t guaranteed, and b) require more effort (read: calories) and attention to access. The exception to this seems to be when there’s a particularly appealing, usually calorie-dense food item available that’ll make up for the potential danger and extra effort expended to get it.

With the above things in mind, you can direct their behavior to a degree.

I’ll give you an example. When I worked in pet retail, I had customers that’d come in and complain that squirrels and large birds that kept getting into their bird feeders. We had tons of anti-squirrel technology available — baffles, special lubricants for poles, specially shaped feeders, and even battery powered ones that vibrated, spun, or did all kinds of other gymnastics. I’d gently try to guide these customers to dedicated platform feeders and bags of corn, but they always turned it down.
No matter what they bought, they’d be back in a few weeks for something else. A greased pole was no longer enough, because the squirrel learned how to jump from a tree at just the right angle to defeat it. A specially shaped feeder wasn’t enough, because the crows would team up to work around it.
The cycle would inevitably repeat, until they finally just gave up and bought the platform feeder and the bag of corn. After that, the squirrels and large birds would eat the easy to access food, and the smaller birds had their own.

Since this crow population was already established here (and has since grown due to habitat destruction caused by some recent construction), giving them high-value, easy to access food has ensured that I get to keep more of the fruit and vegetables from my garden. This isn’t just because the crows don’t take as much, either — they’ve also done quite a bit to keep various garden pests away.

I don’t leave their food unattended — I usually feed them items I know they like, then sit out there just a few feet away with my own lunch. I have never once been harassed for my food. I’m pretty sure it’s because, like other intelligent animals, they’re able to distinguish between what food is given to them and what food is mine. Why bother me to eat off of my plate, when their plates are right over there? Why run the risk of a potential conflict with a human when they have accessible, desirable food already?

This study covers the relationship between various predator and prey species. One of its findings is that, as prey species numbers increase, so do predator species numbers, and there isn’t strong evidence that native (non-invasive) predators alone drive species decline.

A single predator, or small group of predators, can impact local numbers of prey animals, but don’t appear to correlate with a decline in overall numbers. The thing here is that crows are, like I said, opportunistic. They take prey from nests, where other predators are more likely to be less discriminating and take reproductively mature animals (since those are the ones they’re most likely to encounter out and about). Many corvids are also very territorial — an established family of crows will actively drive off other, larger, less opportunistic predators. They appear to exert both a predatory and protective influence on local prey species.

A crow, perched on a fence, observes a distant group of people.
A crow. Photo by mali maeder on Pexels.com

While I offer food for the local birds and squirrels, I’m careful not to do it every day. (Water, on the other hand, is always available.) Nobody goes hungry, and there seems to be less impetus for them to eat what I’m growing or trying to protect, but they still need to engage in natural foraging behavior.

This works in my case because this crow family had already established this area as their territory. If you listen to their calls, you can hear them relaying from one tree to the next. While they’ll cover a lot of ground in order to find food and water, a sentry alerts the others when there are snacks available. They can go about their business and stop by when there’s food.

(One funny thing I’ve noticed is that their vocalizations change when I’m on the deck, whether I’m putting food out or not, like they’re telling everyone that it’s almost time to eat. Once, I was only watering a few plants and went right back inside, and I got to hear a very excited crow call trail off into something that sounded unmistakably like disappointment.)

Crows (and many other members of corvidae) will get into dumpsters if there’s an opportunity, somewhat rightly earning them the nickname of “garbage chickens.” Stories abound of people feeding them fries, chips, and other very palatable, salty, oily, and largely carbohydrate-based foods. These really aren’t optimal dietary contributions for them, though, and having a positive relationship with your local corvids should mean taking their actual nutritional needs into account.

I explored the foraging habits of crows, plus the diets fed to pet pied crows in captivity as well as crows and ravens at rehabilitation centers. In the end, I came up with a mixture of cat or puppy kibble, cracked corn, raisins, and a low sodium, unfortified cereal as a base. To that, I add hardboiled eggs (cut into quarters, shell attached), dried mealworms or black soldier fly larvae, peanuts (in the shell), and fruit, depending on what I have on hand. Sometimes, if I have the leftover tail end of a loaf of homemade bread, I’ll cut that into cubes and toss it in too. This all seems to work out pretty well — they appear to enjoy it, and they’ve got some of the darkest, shiniest feathers I’ve ever seen on an urban crow.

One thing people bring up often is that crows will get used to humans, which will cause problems.

There are definitely cases of birds, including corvids, losing their fear in areas with frequent, close contact with a variety of people. Anyone who’s ever tried to eat French fries on a boardwalk can probably give you several examples.
(I was almost eaten by a pelican when I was little. It was a defining experience.)

I can’t speak to this in general, but I can point out my own observations as someone dealing with an urban crow population that already has a lot of incidental contact with humans. Like I mentioned above, I also stay out there by the feeders after I fill them. While the family of crows has certainly grown bolder with time, this change in behavior seems to be limited to me. If I’m out there and my Handsome Assistant joins me, their behavior switches gears immediately. They keep their distance, and even make some unique vocalizations. If I’m there with a stranger, the difference is even more stark. As intelligent animals with the capacity to recognize individuals, they seem to have drawn some very firm lines between “human what puts the food,” “other human,” and “some guy, idk.”

One interesting experiment with ravens kind of highlights this. A researcher was teaching a raven to trade, by offering the bird a small piece of cheese (a high-value food item) in exchange for a piece of bread (a lower-value one). At one point, the researcher accepted the raven’s bread, then had the audacity to eat the cheese right in front of them. The raven, understandably pissed, refused to engage in any more trading exercises… but only with that particular researcher.

Animals have their own agenda, though it’s often tempting to see them through a humanized lens. I’ve seen a lot of posts from people asking why their local population of crows just left — do the birds not like them anymore? Did they offend them somehow???

The truth is, wild animals have their own schedule. They likely won’t, don’t need to, and shouldn’t come hang out every day. During summer, when a lot of fruits ripen and grains are harvested, crows are likely to go off to agricultural areas to eat the dropped grain. They also have babies, so they’ll be off doing parent activities. In winter, they may need to go to a more desirable climate or more abundant food and water source. If the larger murder of crows is going off to do something, a given crow family will go with them.

If they stop showing up for a while, it can honestly be a good sign because it means they’re still being wild birds. It might suck if larger carnivores move in and start causing trouble in their absence, but that’s nature for you.

A magpie, flying in front of a group of rose bushes.
A magpie. Photo by Manuel Torres Garcia on Pexels.com

On top of all of this stuff, I’ve also noticed some interesting impacts on my hyper-local environment since I began putting food out for these birds:

In the beginning, I was lucky to get some house sparrows, starlings, and the occasional mourning dove. As time goes on, I’ve begun to see more species. Like, a lot more. Blue jays, cardinals, finches, dark-eyed juncos, woodpeckers, and grackles, to name a few. (Even a mockingbird that has absolutely given the crows a run for their money when it comes to territoriality.)

Part of this may be because there’s more food available, but most of the food I put out consists of things that would appeal to crows and jays, not necessarily other species. I have, however, noticed that the local crows do a lot to keep the smaller birds safe, because…

I’ve written before about how this family of crows have effectively become my unpaid, unasked-for yard bouncers. In addition to dispatching particularly chaotic squirrels, I’ve seen them bounce bigger predators, too. They’ll get together and mob a hawk (which is honestly fascinating to watch). They’ll chase away stray and feral animals. They’ll even warn me if there’s a particularly suspicious snake in the vicinity. They’ve kept rats, mice, and grubs away, too.
They have very definite ideas about Who Belongs and Who Does Not.

These crows seem like a protection racket. Like a dragon that demands an occasional sacrifice from a local village, or a rat snake that keeps mice and rats out of a chicken coop in exchange for the occasional egg. It’s weird, but I’ve seen them on my deck, coexisting perfectly fine with the smaller birds and other squirrels… So, I guess it’s all chill?

Granted, a lot of this is because I’m not particularly fussy about garden borders. If something neat springs up, isn’t a noxious weed, and won’t run the risk of poisoning me, I’m inclined to let it be and see what happens.

As it turns out, “what happens” is a ton of volunteer tomatoes, corn, grapes, and berries. (The smaller birds even planted a bunch of millet and broccoli.)

They’ve also brought me occasional small gifts, but I can’t eat those.

When it comes to coexisting with these incredible animals, the important thing to remember is that a) they’re very smart, b) they have the capacity to remember and distinguish between individuals, and c) they’re wild. While it might seem flattering to feel needed and loved like you would with, say, a dog, that’s counterproductive to a wild animal’s survival both physically and mentally. It is possible to interact positively with them without harming their ability to live without you, and this should be the goal of anyone who really loves these birds.

Uncategorized

The Bully Birds

My crows have, for the moment, disappeared.

Well, okay. Not disappeared, they’re just sort of close by instead of hanging out on my various sheds and/or porch.
Personally, I blame the starlings.

Starlings have a bit of a reputation. They’re invasive, noisy, arrive in hordes, and get into tiny brawls everywhere. They fight in the birdbath and knock it over, upsetting the mourning doves. They fight in the seeds and kick them everywhere. They kick each other off of the deck railing like this is a tiny Sparta, and every one of them is a miniature Leonidas.

A group of starlings doing what they do best: screaming and kicking the crap out of each other in a pile of food.
It’s just this, constantly, all day, every day.

They’re also bullies. Since they travel in groups, often with masses of babies in tow, they have no problem starting fights with birds much larger than them. Starlings are tiny compared to crows, but they do outnumber them greatly. Crows will kill and eat baby birds, so the starling families seem to go on the offensive as a matter of course.

It’s not like they have to fight a whole bunch, either. Crows have good memories, and starlings are loud. It probably only takes one fight for a crow to hear a flock of starlings and not exactly feel up to facing down an army of shrieking lilliputian kickboxers.

A group of starlings pecking in the grass. In their midst, there's an oblivious gull.
A gull, probably about to get his face rearranged.

Starlings also have basically no sense of self-preservation. In the past day, I’ve seen a baby starling walk up and gape its mouth at a reflection, a sparrow, and a squirrel. This afternoon, one of them flew to my kitchen window, stood on the outside sill, and gaped at me through the glass.
I wished I’d gotten a picture of this, but I did not as I was too busy staring in shock at this stunning display of hubris.

Sorry, kid. I keep the feeders filled, but I’m not about to go outside to spit bugs into your tiny face.
Also, where are your parents?

Fortunately, starlings are migratory. They’ll hang around during the summer, like a swarm of drunk college kids in Punta Cana, then pack up and leave. I know the crows are still here because I hear and see them around. They just tend to go to the feeders very early and very late, when they’re less likely to be harassed.

Honestly, I know how the crows feel.

A male starling in a field of dry grass. His feathers are deep black flecked with cream, with a rainbow sheen.
He’s probably looking for someone to fight.
life

“hey. hey. hey where’d you go”

So, my spouse and I went to an out-of-town family shindig the weekend before July 4th. It was a lot of fun — there was a ton of food, live music, and a huge crowd of interesting people to talk to (many of whom are also Garden People like me).

When I came back, the yard was silent. My heart dropped into my stomach.

Was it because I wasn’t there to keep the food and water replenished? Was it the fireworks? Had someone gotten injured or killed, scaring the whole murder away?
Did something happen to Boink?

I put fresh water and the usual mix of food (peanut butter cereal, cat kibble, dried bugs, and berries) out, but all I got was a clamorous mob of starlings.

(Apparently a group of starlings can be called an “affliction,” which sounds about right. I love all of the birds that come to my home, but most of these are, to put it bluntly, invasive shrieking dickheads who throw things.)

A day went by, then another. I lost sleep and felt my urge to write or paint completely sapped. So much of my art is inspired by these magnificent little weirdos, I hated the idea of working on a painted bird when the real ones had disappeared.

Then this happened.

A crow, head cocked, peers through a bathroom window.
“hey, you there? you guys back n- oh, you poopin?”

The crows returned by having this guy rock up to the bathroom window (please ignore the spots on the glass — the rain and pollen have fingerpainted everything) and stare inside. They twisted their head from one side to the other, very deliberately peering in. If they had hands, they probably would’ve cupped them around their eyes to see better.

It was funny, but, in retrospect, also somewhat concerning. Did they watch us leave? Did they send someone to stare into our house every day to see if we were back yet? There are so many windows, you guys, why did they pick the bathroom?!

Anyhow, the big maple tree is once again filled with raucous caws and shiny black birds. I’ve seen Magni and Muse, and even Boink has once again taken up his position on top of the shed. (I have no idea where — or how, for that matter — he went for several days at a time. I’m just glad he’s back.)

It does my heart good to see them. I just kind of wish they’d maybe peeked in the kitchen instead.

life · Plants and Herbs

This is either going to be awesome, or the sequel to The Color Out of Space.

One of the benefits of encouraging wildlife to hang out is that, if things go right, it’ll basically do your gardening for you. I’ve had so many volunteer plants courtesy of the birds and squirrels, it’s bonkers. Since I’m still working on re-wilding things, I’m grateful for whatever additions the local creatures want to make — I get to see what grows well and what doesn’t, and it’s all for free.

Like that time that all those delinquent squirrels paid their bar tab with a ton of tomato plants.

This is all just preamble to explain that I’ve been watching the progress of some kind of plant in the front plot. The front yard is divided into two squarish plots by a walkway. In one, we’ve finally managed to kill off the grass and replace it with a redbud tree, oakleaf hydrangea, coreopsis, strawberries, moss phlox, and echinacea. Then this thing happened.

A small plant, some member of Cucurbitaceae, just beginning to vine.

Cute, right? It seemed to appear overnight, springing up out of the ground without warning. No sprout, nothing. Just bam! This.

Out of curiosity, I left it. It was in a bare spot, and I was honestly pretty excited to see what it’d turn out to be. I tried identifying it to make sure it wasn’t something invasive or poisonous, but plant apps were stumped. It was almost definitely a member of Cucurbitaceae, but what? Pumpkin? Melon? Squash? Cucumber? Even Reddit’s gardening subs were mostly baffled. Some posters who recognized it even admitted that it looked like “some kind of weird hybrid.”

Anyhow, I figured it’d probably end up being some kind of vegetable, so I left well enough alone. I didn’t even bother watering it. I figured that it was a volunteer, it was doing fine without my interference, so it was just sink or swim from h-

The same plant as above, but now disturbingly massive.

Like something out of a weird fairytale (or Annihilation, or The Color Out of Space), it… expanded. It didn’t get any taller, but it sent out yards of thick, powerful vines across the ground. By the time you read this, it’ll probably have doubled in size.

It also started putting out flowers. Big, bright yellow ones. Each one had a firm, round base. Before long, we had a ton of these.

The same plant, now with round, speckled, green, pumpkin-like fruits.

So, not cucumbers. Not melons. Some kind of pumpkin? A squash?

This guy who sometimes cuts the (remaining) grass for us said he recognized it as an ayote. He said it’s tasty when cut up and stewed with beef ribs and vegetables. I don’t do beef ribs, but I have some lovely brisket-style tempeh that could maybe work.

The trouble with volunteer Cucurbits is that there’s a risk of poisoning. If you find a wild squash in your yard, or grow one from seeds that you’ve saved yourself, taste a little bit of the raw fruit before you cook it or serve it to anyone else. Some wild Cucurbits have a lot of a toxic compound called cucurbitacin. It tastes very, very bitter, and enough of it can absolutely kill you. Tl;dr: Do not eat bitter squash, or any other members of Cucurbitaceae that taste weirdly bad.

They’re nowhere near ripe yet, but I noticed that the stem of one had broken. I brough it inside for Experiments.

It looked inoffensive enough.
I took a little taste.

Surprisingly, it was pretty good! There was no trace of bitterness, just a mild, sweetish flavor. It’s not as strongly flavored as it’ll probably be once it’s completely mature, but definitely not bad.

I haven’t decided what to do with this specific one just yet. Ayote en miel? Squash soup? Roasted squash?

Whatever I decide to make from this squash, I hope I like it. I’ll definitely have plenty.

Thanks, local animals!

life

This is Boink.

Crows are sleek, beautiful, intelligent creatures.

And then there’s Boink.

Boink looks like he was made by Jim Henson with spare parts and a strict time limit. He looks like what birds would look like in the Fraggle universe.

Boink is not injured, but has somehow managed to damage all of the flight feathers on one wing and half of his tail. He can fly, but it’s the flight a bird whose wings have been clipped — just enough to keep from falling, until his flight feathers grow back in. His main means of locomotion is to hop and scramble in a way that even the best foley artist would have difficult putting a sound to.

A small, scruffy crow gazes pensively through slats in a deck railing.
Boink having a small philosophical moment.

He spends most of the day hanging out on the railing by my back door. When I open it, he jumps up and… well, boinks his way across the deck to the shed. He hops on the roof, bops his way to the other side, and ducks down with his little head sticking up like a periscope.

If I look at him, he ducks.

If I pretend to close the door, he pokes his head up again.

If I go back inside, he moves back to the railing to sit.

Boink is the scruffiest wild animal that I’ve ever seen. He is the prime specimen of scrunginess. An absolute scrunglemuppet. He is Mother Nature’s silliest fool and I love him very much.

He doesn’t seem to have trouble avoiding predators, somehow — when he needs to hide, he hides behind the other shed, or climbs up the big apple tree. It makes me grateful that I didn’t prune it as much as I should have, because the lowermost branches give Boink something to hop onto and make his way up.

(I don’t even really know if he’s a he. In my defense, I don’t think Boink does either.)

I think that Boink may have a criminal record. He doesn’t seem to have a mate to help take care of him, and the other crows push him away from the feeders. I sneak extra portions of food into places I know he can reach easily and put extra fruit and dried bugs to make up for the things he may not be able to forage for himself.

A small, scruffy crow sitting on a deck railing in the rain.
“Hoh. Kibble for Boink? No! Cereals for Boink? No! Every time, they bully Boink.”

The other crows also don’t seem to have a problem with leaving Boink behind, too. Is he Outlaw Boink? Has he been ostracized for crimes, or do they just leave him because they know he’s safe, with his water dish and his food stashes and his shed roof?

I don’t know what Boink did, or what happened to him. He sits on my deck like a tiny, questionably useful gargoyle. He is my very special boy and his presence is delightful.

life

I can only assume that they’re developing agriculture.

Not long ago, I mentioned that the crows in the yard bartered me for a small rock painted to look like a strawberry. Now, the whole reason I had a rock painted to look like a strawberry was to keep birds from eating my actual strawberries. The idea behind it is that you put out strawberry decoys before the plants set fruit, and the birds will investigate them, decide they’re inedible, and assume that the rest of your strawberries are similar levels of bullshit. Seems legit, right?

A strawberry plant with a few ripening strawberries.

These rocks aren’t the only things the crows have been interested in. When my spouse’s mom came for a visit, she remarked that she’d seen the crows playing with some of those little black plastic pots you get from plant nurseries. (I have a few on a shelf on my deck. They’re useful for starting plants, and I’d rather re-use them as much as possible and keep them out of the landfill.) I thought this was funny, but didn’t really put much more thought into it. I had a thing, the crows thought this thing was amusing and interesting, and that was that.

Then I noticed that I had lost all of the strawberry rocks in the back yard and one of the raised beds in the front. Just up and vanished.

Then my spouse mentioned seeing a crow flying away with an empty plant pot in its beak. He’d tried to snap a picture, but only managed to get a blur of tail feathers as the thief absconded.

Putting two and two together, I can only assume one thing: They’re developing agriculture.

Maybe it isn’t aliens or artificial intelligence that we need to worry about. Maybe humanity’ll be overthrown by a race of swiftly advancing, hyperintelligent birds. People remark on the intelligence of corvids, and they’re correct. Crows, ravens, and their kin are very smart. They’re also coming for your horticultural supplies.

If you’re reading this at some point in the future, when the human race is relegated to the annals of bird history as some kind of combination of amusing pets and manual labor force, and our bird overlords have ushered in a new era of art nouveau solarpunk luxury forest communism, I apologize for not being at all sorry because that actually sounds awesome.

life

Like a tiny Mafia I never needed, wanted, or asked for.

So the local murder has been particularly active lately. The backyard is a playpen for their babies, the roof of the old shed and the big red maple are their vantage points, and it does my heart good to hear their excited clamoring when they see me step outside to leave them crow salad. Though I know almost nobody is as excited about these developments as I am, I still talk about them way too much.

Anyway, I’m also pretty sure they straight-up performed an execution in my front yard.

(If you’re sensitive about the deaths of animals, maybe skip this post and come back tomorrow. There’s a fun bit about bee balm that I think you might like.)

A crow silhouetted against a moon.

Where there are crows, there are almost always squirrels. This is unfortunate, because the two aren’t friends. Squirrels compete for resources and eat crow eggs. Crows eat baby squirrels. It’s a whole Thing.

The ones here have managed to coexist to the point where they seem to take turns raiding the feeders, and the crows have felt secure enough to tend to their families in the back yard despite the presence of a squirrel or two.

Unfortunately, some furry interloper has been wreaking havoc lately. They dug up my comfrey starts, tore up my baby watermelons, and threw the pink dahlia onto the concrete. The latest round of destruction, apparently, was enough for the crows to decide to send a message — in the form of a furry corpse, completely unmarked save for strategically placed, beak-sized puncture wounds. The injuries tell of a crow’s nature, since it looks like something landed on the squirrel and proceeded to do the dark deed. What’s very odd, though, is that the squirrel was otherwise untouched. Crows are nothing if not opportunistic, and they’re scavengers. Even if this squirrel was killed by a stray cat or ill-timed BB, they probably would’ve eaten it some of it.

This raises one question: Why merk a squirrel and then leave it right in my path, untouched?

Do they consider the front yard their territory enough to be invested in the landscaping? Did they think this was a favor? All, “Hey, we took care of that guy. You’re welcome.”

I’ve gotten gifts from them before. Was this a present?

“Thanks for all of the meals! Here is a meal for you, on us.
It is: One dead squirrel. Bon appétit!”

My spouse remarked that he’d never seen this much action in the suburban area around the house he grew up in. I reminded him that we were actively trying to cultivate more biodiversity and a closer existence with nature. The thing is, when you try to see more nature, it’s only too happy to show you all of it. Even the red and toothy parts.

We buried the squirrel in the back yard, in the shade of the big red maple tree. I feel bad for the little guy, but at least it seems his death was swift.

I do feel like an extremely goth Snow White, though.

I need to wield this power responsibly.

life

Crow commerce. Crowmmerce.

Birds like fruit. Some fruits, like prickly pears, actually evolved to benefit from the acidic environment of an animal’s digestive tract. The exposure to acid helps make it easier for the seeds to germinate. The fruits are delicious to incentivize animals to eat them and scatter the seeds around. Neat, huh?

This means that, if you are both planning to grow fruits for your own consumption and also exist in a place with birds, you need a plan. A big part of my plan involved just planting an absolute buttload of strawberry plants. Some will be eaten, sure, but that’s a sacrifice that I’m happy to make.

The other part of my plan involved special rocks.

The idea is that, if you’re concerned about birds getting into your fruit, you place inedible, non-toxic decoys around. Decorate the areas immediately around your strawberry plants with mediumish-sized rocks painted to look like strawberries, for example, and birds will leave your actual strawberries alone.

You have to do this before the plants actually set fruit, though. This is so birds have a chance to peck at the fake ones, be disappointed, and complain about your crappy, hard, imposter strawberries to all of the other birds before the real strawberries show up.

So far, it seems to be working! My strawberries haven’t produced a whole lot yet (mostly because the majority of them were just twiggy little starts a few weeks ago), but the few I’ve gotten have been untouched.

The crows, however, appear to be fascinated by my various gardening objects.

The younger ones like to play with the small black plant pots from the nursery. If a new thing shows up, they bop around to thoroughly investigate its amusement potential.

My strawberry rocks appear to be a huge hit. The crows are even trying to buy them off of me.

For serious. The strawberry decoy rock in my terracotta pot vanished, and, in its place, I received one (1) thoroughly pecked blue foam ball. It’s a very pretty shade of blue, and I appreciate it, but I’m also extremely curious about the corvid thought process that goes, “Yes. One red rock = one blue ball. Pleasure to do a business, okay.”

A hand holds a round blue ball made of some kind of stiff foam material. The ball is covered in tiny peck/chew marks.

The thing is, I put all kinds of tasty stuff in their platform feeder as it is. Grapes. Blueberries. Bits of strawberries. And, like I said, the whole, growing strawberries have gone untouched by beak or claw. They seriously only wanted that one, particular decoy strawberry, and apparently valued it highly enough to barter for it.

I’m honestly kind of tempted to go rockhounding and see if I can pick up some nice, sparkly rocks to put by the platform feeders. We have a ton of mica around here, so I’m pretty confident that I could find something suitably eye-catching for them.

I mean, I know they’re no strawberry rocks, but maybe the crows’ll like them anyway.